It’s 6PM Sunday 26th May, and for the first time in nearly a month I am tired, well let me rephrase that I’ve been tired for a long time now but i’ve not been sleepy and not without lack of trying, just by mind had different ideas, it raced and raced, but in this moment it was to some degree quieter.
I pull my curtains a close, and I climbed into my bed, in the hopes that maybe I could actually sleep in it again, I have the TV on in the background the noise helps me focus less on my racing thoughts, I turn my TV’s screen off and just listen, I drift off, for a moment it’s peaceful, my body needed the sleep.
9PM I wake up, in no way do I feel rested, my dreams were not pleasant, I lean over to my bedside table and I pop one of my Melatonin tablets I am prescribed into my mouth in the hopes I can sleep more, about thirty minutes pass and I drift off again.
2AM I shock myself awake, I rise and I can feel my heart pounding inside my ribcage, my hands are trembling and a bead of sweat drips down my body, the dream I had was harrowing and vivid, I began to question reality, I frantically try to find my phone to check if what i’d dreamt was a reality, I could not handle that, to my relief it appeared to be just a dream, my heart continued to pound, it’s beats were profound, heavy and fast.
I look over in my bed, the right side is cold and empty, there is a horrible feeling coming from it, I grab my duvet and pillow, I retreat to the floor, I feel much more secure here for some reason, I clamber my hands up my bedside table again, I grab another Melatonin in hopes to escape back to sleep, my mind was continuously replaying my dream.
You can’t really overdose on Melatonin, so it wasn’t a misuse, I’m prescribed 4mg, I usually only take 2mg a night.
The next lot of hours feel like forever, I am continuously drifting in and out of consciousness, my dreams become more and more vivid, they repeat themselves, each time I find myself trying to force myself awake, sort of like sleep paralysis, but not quite as bad, my heart continues pounding, my body begins to feel hollow except for my beating heart.
There comes a point in my dreams where I become very confused, because it seems I have woken up and then all my fears have come true, I remember vividly hoping it was just another dream, my heart had sank into my chest, I felt dead, then I wake up for real, and i’ve become very untrusting of my own mind.
The feelings I was sharing was surreal.
It’s around 5AM now and I am still desperately trying to sleep, I have no idea why, it wasn’t working clearly, I grab my eye mask from my bed, the sun has come up by this point, I have black out curtains but there authenticity I did not trust, the light seeped out the corners and I could clearly see everything in my room, I cover my eyes with my mask in the hopes to falsify to my body it’s night time, but it wasn’t buying it.
I lay here on the floor, until 9AM, tossing and turning, eventually I get up, my heart is still pounding, the beats are still heavy but much slower, my body trembles still, almost rhythmic with my heart, my perception of reality is uncertain, at this point I found myself wishing I hadn’t tried to sleep at all.
I make my way down stairs, I hope into the shower, after I grab some orange juice, and cook up 5 scrambled eggs, ready, well sort of ready for the day.
I need to head into town today to return some clothes I bought that don’t fit, I was hoping to try out a new style, but I neglected trying it on first, that’ll teach me.
I am here again, typing, finding release, not all my stories are sad, I promise.
What are your thoughts on dreams, are they alternate realities, or something much different?