Mental Health and I

Buckle up ladies and gentlemen, because this post is about to get both emotional and personal, also its gonna be a long one, please turn away now if you wish. You have been warned.

I’m here to tell you my honest truth, I haven’t really ever spoken about it before, and for those who know me well or little, you probably were clueless because that’s how I let on to you all, but I’m afraid I tricked you, it was all a facade, and I can’t let it consume me no more. So here I am addressing ALL of you at once, because it’s much easier than doing it individually

May 28th 4:59PM, was the moment I decided I would no longer let my sadness consume and mould me into someone I didn’t really want to be.
I’d been having a rough time lately, I’d recently been to the doctors to get signed off work for a bit, work was also stressful, and I couldn’t change a lot of the other aspects that were inhibiting my happiness so I took time off to take back some control, for me that was time off from work, initially I was offered Anti Depressants and I refused, because I hated my previous experience but we’ll get to that later.

Back to May 28th 4:59PM, I’d been arguing with myself in my mind about what I should do, I’d learnt a lot about myself recently, and I’d been taking steps to avoid pushing my shit to the side, instead I decided to do something about it, I could no longer keep ruining my life and others, so I rung up my doctors, got an emergency appointment I knew if I didn’t do it now, I might talk myself out of it, I went in 10 minutes later and I accepted help.

I went in with conditions, I’d been on pretty much every Anti-Depressant in the past and my experience was not great, however I was also on a lot of drugs and alcohol back then, we’ll get to that later.
The last time I remember taking them was around 2012. My conditions were particular I wanted none of the ones I’d previously taken, and the dose had to the minimal because I I told the Doctor I firmly believed I could do this I just needed something for that little bit of persistent sadness that existed within me.
That left just one, the only I hadn’t tried, well I said hadn’t tried, but I was offered it back in 2015 apparently but I never took it, anyways, I was offered Mirtazapine 7.5MG, which is half a tablet, you take them at night time.
I’ve yet to take it, my doctor said if I had any big plans or events coming up in the next few days to take it after as it could cause some initial side effects, we agreed that I would start it on Friday.

Now let me take you back right to the start, and what lead me up to finally admitting defeat, I’m gonna take you on a journey about myself, and if you haven’t already buckled up, now would be time to do so…

I remember as a child, I always had this great sadness inside of me, I could never explain it really, I would often think about taking my own life, a fleeting thought at most but I never really felt like I belonged anywhere.

I was born with ADHD, I was diagnosed aged 4, and many have suspected I also have some Autistic traits, I see it, but I don’t need a formal diagnosis for it. I had a lot of thoughts and feelings always, I felt everything very deeply, I’d often struggle to understand it and become overwhelmed, I was hyperactive beyond believe it made being friends with me difficult, I didn’t understand.
I was August born too so in my year I was pretty much the youngest, most people were already maturer than me, well for children you see, I didn’t understand a lot of things, I never really understood why people didn’t like me.

I was put on Ritalin, I think 50mg, it ended being something like 100mg, this stunted my growth and development, I hated being on medication, I never felt myself, the only time I felt normal was when I’d missed or had palmed it.

I got bullied a lot, I reacted a lot, I think this made people do it more, I have a ridiculous surname too, Whittingstall-Bean, most people thought they’d make a mockery of the last part “Bean” I’ve heard pretty much every Bean joke, and these days I find it funny that people are so dim that they find gratification in it, and I welcome it if I hear one I haven’t heard before, but I never do, for the most part you’re all the same
It hurt me a lot when I was child, I was skinny little short kid, I got bullied for that too, I remember someone trying to shove me into a locker once, I couldn’t really stand up for myself, well I didn’t really want to, I didn’t believe in fighting.

My relationship with my parents wasn’t a brilliant one either, especially my mother, my mother was a special needs teacher so you’d think she’d be amazing at helping me, but no she never really let me develop, held me back from so much and tried to protect me but she did it the wrong way because my younger brother was allowed to everything, I couldn’t understand, and I still don’t because I was older, surely that meant something.

I remember, all the times i’d argue with my mother, in fact we still do, until recently I told her I needed some space because it was making me dead inside, my mother was a firm believer that she could never be in the wrong, she always had to be right, it was her way or the high way. One time, my father, brother and I had an argument with her and we had physical evidence that she was wrong and she still refused to admit defeat.

As a normal child would, I’d often seek the advice of my mother, or try and talk to her, she always shouted, she says she doesn’t shout but her voice is exceptionally loud, a typical teachers voice, I’d tell her I felt sad or something like that, or i’d become disregulated and her response for the most part was “Don’t be stupid, you’re not sad” “You’re off your head” You’re mental”, I still hear these words in my head all the time it haunts me.
She still says to to me now, even as an adult, I’ve told her numerous times she can’t say that to someone and how detrimental it’s been to me over the years, one time she even argued with one of my ex-girlfriends, who’d told my mother she’d upset her, my mothers response was “Don’t be stupid that didn’t upset you” I went of the rails, you cannot tell someone how they feel, you don’t own that right!

I had a child psychologist for my ADHD, I went once a week to it and I hated it, my mother always spoke and I just aimless played with the shit toys they had in there, I wanted to say a lot, but often I was stopped by my mother, as I got older I started going in by myself, I would bring up my mother a lot and tell them how it was upsetting me, my psychologist asked to speak to my mother, and my family to try and resolve my issues, naturally my mother refused to admit any fault of her own, we tried numerous times, eventually I gave up.

I felt worthless, like a mistake, and I’m sure that’s not true but I think if you’ve got a son with learning disabilities you need to approach them in a certain way that empowers them and brings out their best. I won’t admit I was perfect, I was certainly difficult but I just wanted to have fun as a child would.

We’ll move on from that because that’s all I have to say about that subject.

So school went on and I continued hating it, getting bullied and I really struggled in class my concentration was poor due to my ADHD, but I couldn’t change that, I tried really hard I studied and revised a lot, even though I didn’t really take it in, because I was forced to do it repeatedly, I remember just staring vacantly at the pages hoping something better would happen.

I’d discovered video games around this time, and I found a great escape within them, I could immerse myself within and be whoever I wanted to be, my gaming habits go out of hand, I would often play up late at night, I’d learnt a trick where I put a sock behind the fan of my Playstation 2 and Duct taped the light over, so when my parents checked on me in the night, they couldn’t see it was was on, as I would quickly climb back into my bed, this only got worse. I understood video games.
As I got older and older I bring myself to this point in time, where I am now 26, nearly 27 I still play video games but more recently I have been cutting back because it only escapes my reality temporarily and until I fix my reality, I feel I should limit myself, I will always be an avid gamer, it lives and breathes within me, but using it as a form of escape I can no longer do.

Towards the end of senior school, I did start developing some friendships, I had a few but I never felt like I belonged they’d often do stuff without me and I sort of felt like I was just an expansion that a lot of them hadn’t paid for, as I got old this was persistent in my friendships. I did however have two really good friends, i’d been friend with them since I was little and to this day we still talk, a lot less because our busy lifestyles, we all work in healthcare now.

So senior school is coming to an end and parties are starting and I’ve been invited to a few, everyone drank, my parents wouldn’t let me, so I bought Ice Tea instead, I remember they let my brother drink at parties despite him being two years younger, well 20 months younger, eventually I decided to say “fuck my parents” and I drank at my friends party, I was staying at his so I all I had to do was come home sober the next day, this is where my life took a turn, I was 15, on this night I drank, I smoked cigarettes and I took first toke of a joint.

For the first time in my life I felt good, I continued smoking weed, and it felt amazing, my mind was calm, it became more and more regular, I stopped taking my Ritalin and relied solely on weed, I managed to keep this from my parents for a long time, but I don’t doubt they suspected something was up.

Over the next few years I developed quite a problem, in college I remember getting up every morning, and having a shot of one of my dads spirits and going round the corner of my street or garage and smoking a joint, my parents had long been at work by this time, I did this every day, all the way to university and past that.

It felt like it numbed whatever sadness was in me, I could never explain the sadness but it was always there.

I had a girlfriend at the time, my first proper one, I remember being over the moon, I remember I lost my virginity to her. We was together like 6 months, she was a bit different to me, but we got a long well I thought, until she went on holiday sent me a text message telling me it was over and she was about to sleep with someone else, this destroyed me, I felt horrible it took me a long time to get over this, and to be honest it sort of set a president for the rest of my relationships, I lived in fear this would happen all the time.

Just before I started university, my parents found a bag of weed i’d accidentally left in my drawer, I mean in my eyes you had no right to go through my stuff anyways, but nether less my mother drove me out to the shore and basically tried to abandon me, told me I’d failed her, it was sad, I remember crying I didn’t really want to let anyone down, but this path I had chosen was helping me, well I thought it was.

Cut to university, I didn’t want to go to be honest, I wanted to take a year out and figure out what I truly wanted to do, whilst working, I was already in two jobs at this point and I did some journalism on the side.
My mother insisted I needed to go to university this year or i’d loose my place forever, I was pretty naive so I just went along with it.

I decided to study photography, I actually started photography when I was in year 10, and I found something that resonated inside me, I would do black and white photography, I learnt to develop and print my own film and photos, it was amazing, i’d built up somewhat of a decent portfolio, I got an A* at Senior School for it, but only a B at college because my incompetent teacher dropped half my work down the cupboard and it never got marked. I hated that guy he always smelt like cigarettes and coffee, and only had an interest in fashion photography, he was very weird with the ladies, proper creepy.

So i’m at university studying photography, I’m out drinking everyday, doing drugs. At this point the drugs were no longer just weed, i’d branched to cocaine and boy was it fun, it’d later branch out to MDMA and Ketamine and all other manner of things. I was completely off the rails.

My lecturers had decided they wanted the core focus of the course to be based around portrait and fashion photography, that wasn’t what I signed up for, in the description in the university course book it said we could take whatever direction we wanted, I became frustrated, I had no interest in this, I did landscape and surrealism at the time.

The sadness inside me was consuming me, I started trying to completely change who I was I got covered in piercings and tattoos, I didn’t want to be recognised by anyone I used to know, I don’t know why, I mean that style had always interested me and i’ve kept it up to this day, I’m covered, and I love it.

I failed my first year, I dove deeper and deeper into alcohol and drugs, I had girlfriend at the time, she was severely depressed but she was also a massive cunt, we argued all the time, over little things like the amount of water I put in the kettle! I was young and I thought maybe it’d get better, i’d had relationships before but this was my first serious one, looking back at it now, nothing about it was serious, but still.
Eventually we broke up, she shattered me, I remember trying to get my stuff back off her and instead of doing it like an adult, she got the police to drop it off to me and filed a restraining order against me, I hadn’t done anything to her, I never would, I’m not that guy but she just didn’t want me in her life anymore. This hurt me a lot.

It was this time that I went to the doctors about my mental health, I had no idea about depression until I’d met my ex but when she described it, I felt I understood it, at the time I was diagnosed with severe depression, I was given Citalopram, I hated it, but if i’m honest I was still deep into my alcohol and drugs so it didn’t really change anything.

I resat my first year, I only had to do the later part, I was working at the time so I used the first period to do extra shifts, I was going out every night, drinking in the morning, I got sent home from work a few times for smelling of alcohol. When it came to my course, I was at such a low point I could barely bring myself to go in, I skipped most lessons, my flatmate tried to help me, he was on the same course, but I refused.

At this point i’d become very welcoming to the thought of death, I was particular about how I wanted to do it, I knew I would never hang myself, my first attempt was drowning myself, that didn’t work. I’d make numerous rubbish attempts over the next year or so, half arsed really I guess part of me wanted to live, it was cloudy though.

One time during a night out, I decided I had a enough and I told my friend he’d been great but I had to go now, I made my way to the train bridge I was going to jump off, I had my mind set on it, my friend was a good friend he knew me well, he figured something was up, and he’d rung the police.
The police picked me up shortly from nearby the train bridge, and arrested me, that’s not before I called the officer a “Cunt” and then broke down, they slammed me in the back of the van, where I met a lovely guy who just confessed that he had killed a man, interestingly enough we chatted and he told me I shouldn’t take my own life because it’s silly, I remember thinking what weird advice from someone who’d just taken someone else live…

I would later in life thank my friend for saving me, it gave me a different perspective for a short time.

I spent the night in the cells, and in the morning the community mental health team came out and saw me, I bullshited my way through the interview in order to avoid getting sectioned, they set me up immediately with the Community Mental Health Team. My dad picked me up from the police station, we didn’t really say anything, I didn’t know what to say, neither did he, how do ever know how to deal with finding out your son wanted to kill himself.
I’ll always remember that, sorry for hurting you.

We drove over to College Keep which was the name of the community mental health team, I met my consultant, he was an upper class twat, he changed my medication, I never felt like he cared, he only ever asked how the medication helped me not how I was feeling, I had a lot to say but I never got to say.
Over our next visits he would continuously change or increase my medication.
I can’t remember my formal diagnosis’s now but there was a lot.
Eventually we settled on Venaflaxine, Quetapine and Lithium, these were all pretty fucking heavy.
I was on the Quetapine which is an anti psychotic because I was getting drug induced psychosis, and it was pretty harrowing, I’ve actually never told anyone that until now because if you tell someone had or have psychosis they seem to judge you immediately, I was screened for schizophrenia at a very young age actually because I used to have a lot of voices in my head, as a child, but they passed.
The lithium was poisonous, I had to have blood tests for it, why would you prescribe me poison?!

I felt like a fucking zombie, I felt completely numb to everything.
The song Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd resonated inside me.

I got lower and lower, I would sniff my lithium to try and get a hit out of it, or something, my drug use was bad, but it actually got worse. Sniffing lithium was one of the most painful things i’ve ever done, it felt like one side of my brain actually died for 30 minutes.

Eventually I had decided enough was enough, I overdosed on my medication…
I woke up 3 days later in my own bed, with a banging headache, my body had completely metabolised it, by some miracle!
No one had even noticed i hadn’t been around for 3 whole days, this hurt just as much as the fact I was not dead.
This was a changing point for me actually clearly trying to kill myself was not going to work and some great force wanted me alive, I so gave up attempting.

After this I went into my second year of university which would actually be my third year, I dropped out, I couldn’t do it anymore, I was mutually fired from my job at the same time, and I had to move out of my house I was renting. I crashed at different peoples places at the time, I got signed off work and I was given a lot of benefits, and I was actually better off on the benefits than I was working, it hard to get off.

I came off my medication, it wasn’t going to work whilst I was drinking and doing drugs, I kept going for a while to my CMHT, but eventually I stopped going.

I found out that I meant to be receiving disability living allowance my whole life and when I was 18 it would be transferred to me, I was 20 now, and I found it it was still going to my mother, she hadn’t saved it at all, I don’t know what she did with it, when I asked her for it, she argued and reluctantly gave me £2000, which was now where near the amount she owed me considering it was £400 a month times that by 2 years, and well you get the jist, I was not happy.

I spent all of this on drugs, well I also bought some cowboy boots, I’d always wanted, my style was unusual at this point. It was evident I was not well.

I was crying a lot, I felt awful, I got banned from a lot of clubs for causing chaos and being a nuisance, I tried to get my act together but I couldn’t.
I got a new girlfriend, i’d been talking to her for a while we was both in a terrible part of our life, I promised I would try to stop taking drugs, I did stop smoking weed and I cut back on the drugs, or well I told her I did, we was a terrible couple, we needed each other but we really needed to fix ourselves, she was messaging a guy behind my back sending suggestive messages, and I never got the confirmation but I fully suspect she cheated on me, we broke up and then a few months later we got back together, at this point in her life she’d decided she was going to be an escort, I said I didn’t have a problem with it, and I don’t have a problem with sex workers but the thought of her with other men was horrible, I couldn’t sleep, she became mentally unwell and dove down back the path of drugs.
I remember he ringing on a night out once as she was getting fucked by another man, I should have walked away then, I don’t know who, but I didn’t eventually she ended it, my friends had gotten involved at this point told her how much damage she was doing.

I actually went out off my own way at this point to start CBT therapy, I wasn’t ready to help myself however, eventually it did help but it was years later.

That was that it was over and I dove deeper and deeper into escaping reality again through drugs, I was unemployed and doing nothing with my life really, I didn’t know what I wanted to do, and I was still deemed unfit for work.

Over the next two years, my drug habits became wilder and wilder, I partied non stop, I didn’t ever get the chance to have a hangover or comedown. I would wake up and snort a line or drop a bomb, all whilst drowning my sorrows.

Eventually I got to a point in my life where it was so bad, it was my 22 Birthday and i’d been on a 2 week bender, I hadn’t slept at all, my friends told me about all the stuff i’d done on my birthday, I couldn’t remember anything, but they told me I was lucky to be alive from the amount I consumed, and it was in this point something inside me clicked, and I decided it wasn’t for me anymore, the next day I quit everything, I went completely cold turkey.

Everyone told me I couldn’t do it and I wouldn’t last more than 24 hours but i’ll tell you now it’s been nearly 5 years, and I feel so much better for it.
I cut most of those people out of my life, well I say I did, they stopped talking to me, apparently I wasn’t fun no more, so they were dead to me.
I lost loads of friends, but I don’t think they really cared in the first place.

I was alone and I was sobering up, the first 2 months I didn’t leave my room really, I was sweating and shaking, remember that scene in Trainspotting, well it was like that, just not as bad.
I was back at my parents at this point they had kindly offered to put me, but we still argued and they constantly accused me of doing drugs, I tried explain to them but they didn’t understand, they never will.

Time passes and I have to accept reality, I have zero coping mechanisms I’d been into drugs for so long now I hadn’t really learnt another life, I started maturing, something I should have done years ago, things became clearer and less blurry but it was late.

I started up the gym and I felt really good, I started spending all my time there, I was bullied a lot for being weak and skinny, I built up some sufficient strength and I started becoming happy with my figure but it didn’t stop there I developed some pretty bad body dysmorphia.

I started seeing lots of women, I became a bit of slut really, I was always quite bad, but it got worse, it was a coping mechanism of sorts I guess.

Eventually I found someone, and she was in a similar point in her life as me, we saw each other a lot, and I remember this was the first time I told someone I loved them, I don’t think I meant it though, I’m not really sure, I might have done initially but it felt good to say it, we dated for just over 2 years, so I guess you can say it was serious to a degree, we’d had a few issues and we tried to iron them out, we wasn’t great at that, we did argue a fair bit, but we had lots of fun.
She was so closed off to the world, I wanted to help her but she didn’t want help. I needed help too though.

I think it was here that I started developing a false persona, my friends constantly reminded me that this girl was out of my league, and yeah we were on completely different levels, she was posh I was well, not, but I start over exaggerating myself, trying to be big and macho in hopes she wouldn’t get bored.

She told me how much she wanted her future and I wasn’t not able to assist at the time, I offered her a way out because I only wanted her happiness, I think this really hurt her actually, but for me I was a selfless action.

Then I received a text message one night, it was over, just like that i’d wasted two years of my life, the next week she moved city, got a new job and a new boyfriend, kind of weird that one, I suspect it was in the line for a while, but I never got a chance to speak to her again because she immediately blocked me from all contact.
I never really got an opportunity for closure from this.

She did however give me something whilst we was together, she gave me the motivation to get a job and come off benefits, I started working for Sainsbury’s I eventually quit when I figured out my worth.
I then became a support worker, helping adults with disabilities, I loved it, I had finally found something I was good at, my friends had always told me how good I was at caring and helping.

I would eventually move on to studying counselling and my path into mental health would begin. I applied for a job working as a mental health worker, I was in a fairly good point in my life, off medication and I knew I wanted to help those in need, i’d spent a long time complaining about mental health services and how people struggled to get help, so I decided to be that help instead of complaining, it wouldn’t start until later that year however.

I felt sad after it ended but I wasn’t able to cry at this point, I think I knew that was just it, my friend was also going through a breakup and he was distraught, he needed me more than I needed anything I stepped in and helped him.
It was around this time my friend also confessed her love to me, she was engaged to be married, we started seeing each other, i’d liked her for a long time and it seemed like a perfect distraction, I ended up going to her wedding, as the person who was seeing her on the side, I shook hands with her then husband and he was kind to me, he always liked me, and this is by far the worst thing I think i’ve ever done, I don’t know what possessed me to do it, I’m not that person I would never cheat on anyone but why was I doing this?!
I will tell you however, we did never sleep together, I always said I won’t do that until you leave him, she had planned on leaving him, she was getting a lot of money from the wedding so she told me she’d planned on leaving him shortly after she had the money.
I said was okay with this, but really I wasn’t, I was just engaging in bad behaviours to nullify my feelings.
I felt awful, this women would eventually go on to fuck me over, she told me to wait for her whilst she sorted out the divorce, and that, I foolishly I did, we kept talking and seeing each other occasionally but she had to be careful, then a few months later I found out she had a new boyfriend, I was furious, but she’d been lying to me for a while now and I knew, to be honest we would have been an awful couple, she was heavy on the cocaine, and I was sober, I was just really attracted to her because she was just there at the right time. Thinking with my balls again.

This point in life i’m flying solo, l’m sleeping with a lot of people, tinder is my best friend.
I had also started a series of SARMS which are basically like steroids, I did this for a short while and I bulked out, my body dysmorphia was really bad that this point I just wanted to be bigger and bigger, I stopped because I didn’t like what it did to my testorone. I’d become quite vain would often stop and stare at my reflection and act macho, I’d pretend emotions were weak.

I was broken, I won’t lie, I think i’ve always been broken, the sadness never really goes.

I had started withdrawing from the world, in particularly my friends, well I don’t really know, because a lot of them let me down repeatedly, so I began socialising a lot less, I felt lonely, but I was doing good I enjoyed my own company, after all I couldn’t let myself down really.
This continued for a while, more recently i’ve question my true friendships as I reached out again to people, and i’ve been thankful for those that have stuck by me.

I had been working in Mental Health for nearly a year by this point, I worked in Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit, PICU for short, and I loved every second of it, I mostly dealt with people with Schizophrenia and Bi Polar, it was so rewarding, I had a great rapport with my guys, I think probably because I’m not your typical sort of support worker, I’m covered in tattoos and piercings, people find me more relatable, my favourite memories has to be a time me and patient did a rap together, I did the beat boxing and he did the rapping, you meet so many interesting people, and it makes you think about how you perceive the world, it really changed me, for the better.

Then I meet someone, and my world changed she understand me and accepted me for who I was, well the part of me I showed, we never argued at all, she was hands down the best thing that had ever happened to me, I could write for days about her to be honest.

I never shared who I really was with her, I was scared if I opened up I would scare her away, she had similar issues, but it was amazing, perfect in fact. She asked me to be more open, she knew there was someone else in side of me, she could feel it and I was still too scared, but imagine how connected you are with someone to be able to feel what’s truly inside of them.
She was so good to me, and despite her previous horrible relationships she gave me almost everything.

I remember the moment I told her I loved her, and this time I meant it! I knew it, this was the women I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, but being me I did the whole macho man thing and never really told her how I felt, what I saw for our future, I don’t know why, like I said I was broken it’s not an excuse, but I knew I wanted this, so many years of being subject to toxic masculinity had shaped me in to an emotionless husk, I did feel don’t get me wrong but I suppressed it all.
I am sorry for neglecting how I really felt.

Work had been bad for a while, and my mental health had dipped, I was assaulted at work and this didn’t help, but I couldn’t seem to get out of this mess. I reached out and applied for CBT the waiting list was long, I wouldn’t start it for a few months.

We travelled around her home town and I met her family, there are no words to describe how much this meant to me, I needed this, this was when I told her I loved her, I’d known for a long time now though.

I started CBT again in hopes that I could actually fucking feel something again, I had to do this for her, I never told her it was for her, but it was, almost everything I did was for her, this, learning to drive, saving money for our house.

I then found out my dad might have Bowel Cancer, I began sabotaging my relationship, because I was scared of how I felt and I didn’t want her to see me like this, I tried to run away to join the circus, yes, how fucking ridiculous is that!
I told her I might move city, I don’t really understand why, I didn’t want to ruin something so perfect, I didn’t want to be the fault, but in the end I would be, my own selfish actions. I’d been bottling up so much for so long and my guard was so high I didn’t even realise.

My dad was officially diagnosed with cancer, my world around me shattered, I couldn’t even cry because I was afraid it was a sign of weakness. I began to question the fragility of life.

I basically decided to walk away from my relationship, I didn’t want her to have to deal with me, I felt awful.
It was a somewhat mutual decision we knew something was missing as I wasn’t able to open up and be vulnerable with her, but i’d also been pushing her away.
We said we loved each other and we kissed one last time, said goodbye, we said we’d stay friends, there was no bad blood between us.
I will remember that last kiss for eternity.
Watching the person you love walk away because you’re too much of a fucking pussy to be vulnerable is a heart stopping moment.

This was the moment that I finally broke, I finally cried, I was so fucking sad, like a piece of me had died.
I felt everything all at once. It was horrible and euphoric.
I remember I tried to go back to my old ways, I loaded up Tinder, and started looking, it didn’t take me long to delete it, I was like what the fuck are you doing, you know you don’t want this, it’s not going to help you.

The bottle had broken, shattered into a million pieces, no amount of glue could put it back together, and it was time for me to be vulnerable again.

It was too late though, I started talking to her again, I apologised, told her what had really gone on, she told me she appreciated it, but she wanted to focus on herself for a bit and engage in her own therapy, she had her own issues, I understood this, she said hopefully we can try again someday, this gave me hope, but I was distraught.
I’d thrown away the only good thing i’d ever had in my life, i’ll never say she cured my sadness but she did alleviate it, like a remedy.
We’ll continue to be friends, and see what the future holds for us.

I’ll continue to be open with everyone, it feels good to to be honest, and vulnerable again, I cry a lot now, i’d been holding in a lot for too long.

I started writing and I find solace in it, I can express myself truly, and see what i’m feeling, it flows from my fingertips. I found complete release in it, instead of keeping it in I can finally express it.
It’s hard to express verbally for me sometimes with ADHD, I get wrong a lot of the time but in written word you can alter and change what you write to capture your exact feelings.

So here we are today, I’d seeked help I went and got myself some anti depressants. Waiting to start them, in a few days.

I firmly believe that I can accomplish so much but this sadness inside of me that has always been there throughout my whole life, has to go, and if I don’t do something about it now I’ll continue to ruin my own and others lives.

So this is me, taking a huge step, a step to recovering, a step to admitting it’s okay to feel sad, it’s okay to be happy, it’s okay to feel everything and most of all that it’s okay to be on medication, nobody is perfect and everyone needs a little help sometimes, no matter how big or small.

I go back to work on the 11th and then I think I will be ready to help others again, which is my true calling in life.

So this is my story, my honest story, a lot of people probably thought I was this big confident man, but I’m not, this is who I am, I’m broken and I’m proud of it now.
I’ve come a long way and I’ve got so much further to go.

I feel so much better having been open lately, in fact I haven’t felt this way before, this must be the way to do it.

Onwards and upwards.

My only wish is that i’d shared it sooner.

Thank you for reading my journey, please feel free to contact me if you want to talk about any of this, remember it’s okay to seek help, and it’s not a sign of weakness.
Hopefully you can learn from my mistakes.

James.

1 Comment

  1. I think that writing this must have taken a huge amount of bravery. You have been through so much, but your desire to help others shines through – good luck with the Mitrazipine, I think I was on it very briefly a few years ago and all I can remember is that it increased my appetite, but side effects are different for everyone. I hope this time off gives you a bit of breathing space x

    Like

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