A Different Sense

I’m feeling good, for the first time in a long time I feel different, like maybe a new person, I think finally coming to terms with myself has helped, finding solace in writing has potentially saved my life. I have shed a toxic skin and outgrown my old self.
A weight has been lifted.

I had a lovely evening yesterday with someone very dear to me, though it was on different terms, the feeling of euphoria I still get around them is surreal, except this time it was different not just because of our status, but because I was different, I felt confident in a way that wasn’t forced, I was completely my honest self.
I remember smiling almost not stop yesterday, cheek to cheek, it actually hurt a little to smile so much, I wasn’t used to it.

We chatted and chatted and I was vulnerable and it felt good to finally let them see me for who I am, truly. I’d always wanted this, but I couldn’t, not then.

I had made them a scrapbook of our journey together, I handed it over yesterday.
I didn’t really expect them to read it straight away, but around 1:30AM I received a long emotional message they’d read the entire thing, thanked multiple times, in this moment I think they truly understood me, I cried because I could sense the emotion she had felt whilst reading it.
I had put all my honesty into it, the good, the bad and the sad.

I wish had done this a lot sooner, but nether less, we are still amazing friends, I don’t know what the future holds for us, I think we are both hopeful, but right now I need respect that they want to focus on theirselves and be alone, the only thing I can do is just be there regardless, and fate will decide the rest.
I won’t lie I would be absolutely devastated if we never got to try it again after we’ve fixed ourselves, but I only want her happiness and her friendship will suffice if she choses another path, as long as she is happy, because the thought of not having them in my life in any capacity in my life is shattering.

So last night, I took my first anti depressant since 2012, 7.5mg Mirtazapine I’m not sure if it was them that assisted me sleeping or the good evening i’d had, probably both, but I woke up still feeling good, I still have that smile on my face, it’s a miserable day outside but something inside of me has awoken, and I am fully embracing all of my strengths and weaknesses alike, I feel powerful.

I’ve done so much searching inside of myself lately, and I feel like I’ve taken the right steps, steps I should have taken years and years ago, maybe I just wasn’t ready then, or maybe enough shit had to hit my fan first, that’s a horrible thought, but for years I’ve been trying to fix myself, but I never really stopped to look at the bigger picture, instead I surrounded myself with new hobbies and distractions which only temporarily filled the void, I’m quite spontaneous and make silly decisions with my ADHD, often I find myself questioning if what I’m doing is truly making me happy. This time it’s different now, I’m facing my issues head on instead of trying to distract myself, I am not letting myself consume myself no more, I’ll go back to my hobbies eventually no doubt but everything I will do from now will be on different terms. I’ll do it because I want to not because it’ll distract me.

People all my life have always come to me for advice, I never quite understood why, I think I offer out great advice I know exactly what to say, I see things from different perspective, but I could never take it any of my advice for myself, I’m not fucking stupid but I just thought I had it already figured out, I love helping people but I hate helping myself, maybe that’s why I do my job, because it’s easier.
Eventually however you need to buck the fuck up and accept it.

I’ve said recently that an eternal sadness brews within me, I don’t think it’ll ever dissipate, but I think I can become one with it.
I remember my friend complained at me the other day, he told me I was too negative because I said I didn’t enjoy a movie, I thought you know what, fuck off because I’m not gonna lie, I’m not gonna try and say what people want to hear, I’m gonna be honest.
From now on, I don’t doubt i’ll offend or upset people but also I hope I make people happy in my presence because I’m just going to keep on being me, but a new me, a better version, i’ve always been quite honest about things, but I’ve never been honest with or about myself.

It feels so fucking good to have come to terms with myself after so much denial. I see my behaviours for what they are.

I met up with an old friend today, I was reluctant at first we’d not seen each other in nearly 5 years, and we didn’t exactly terminate our friendship on good terms but they’d reached out to me recently and it was clear they needed a friend, I guess sometimes it’s okay to forgive people and because times do change. We talked about our issues that were going on in our lives. We offered each other advice and I listened, it was good advice, from a perspective I could not see.

At the end of the day everybody just wants someone to call a friend, I think humans are very peculiar creatures, overall we’re very lonely I think.
We crave something “meaningful” but we’re also animalistic, trying to fuck our way through life. No longer are the days people date for long periods, it seems with the influx of dating apps, people just date or fuck until something better comes along, it’s just there, theres so many options, why settle for just one. We’ve gone from meaningful to meaningless.
Is this what life has really become? Is this what you really want?

Well not for me, not anymore, I am seeking the one, well I believe I found the one actually, but the timing maybe is not right, I shall wait however, in hope, and if not I will cross that daunting bridge if it comes to it. But I need do this and I will, even if it hurts me, because the end goal is too good to give up on yet.

I spent most of my life worrying about dying alone, and being forgotten about.
I was so focused on getting married and having kids, but I don’t think that’s what I want any more not for a while, I had this perfect picture painted in my head, and it’s all wrong, you search for something perfect but it doesn’t exist, it never will.
You need focus on the insecurities, stop and look at what’s actually right in front of you, because the chances are that is what you seek, you’ll never be happy until you come to terms with this.

Stop chasing falsified dreams, stop watching romantic movies, stop reading romantic books, they portray something that doesn’t exist and you can argue that it does, but you’re only being naive, you’ll waste you whole life chasing it, stop wasting your time, and give that time to someone who, well isn’t “perfect” but makes you feel alive and whole, because that’s almost perfect right.
I’m not saying you can’t be happy, I’m just saying you need to reevaluate these extravagant so called necessities, because you might have already found what you’re looking, or you will, you will believe me, just don’t fucking kid yourself mate.

I notice a lot of people, especially my friends seek companionship because they think it’ll heal their problems, but this is wrong, you need to love yourself before you can love someone else because you’ll never be able to give them your everything otherwise, learn from my mistakes at least.
I’m not saying don’t search until you’ve learnt to love yourself, because sometimes it’ll just fall in front of you, but you gotta put in the time to yourself as well, sometimes we meet people and you’re both broken, it’ll heal some of the holes but mostly you’ll still need to fill your own.

I’ve learnt lately that you cannot escape your past and you cannot kill your demons, but you can make peace with them, because running will get you no where.

I think this post is maybe a bit tangential, but these are my words, and I shall place them how I wish to do so.

James

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