Cancer.

I haven’t really spoken about this much, partly because I can’t change it, it’s just one of those things, but also I’m not sure i’ve come to terms with it fully, I’ve had a lot going on simultaneously.

It was short while ago, and I remember my mother and father sat me down, and asked to talk, it was weird because I didn’t know what they wanted to talk about, but they told me, they’d found a tumour, it was suspected cancerous and was waiting the results. I remember every day from that point, I was in constant fear, this was were I began a downward spiral of trying to escape the world, by any means necessary.

My dad was officially diagnosed with Bowel Cancer a week later, I remember the phone call vividly, my heart stopped, I just said “Oh, you’re going to be okay” and then I hung up, I didn’t know what to say, it’s one of those things, you hear so much bad stuff about it, your mind automatically takes you there. I rung up work, said I couldn’t come in, I remember half of me was trying to cry the other half was holding it in, I was still in my “emotions are weak” phase, but I was breaking, I could feel it.

I began to question the fragility of life itself.

I tried to be there for my dad, he was already signed off work because he’d just had a operation, I remember looking at my dad, you could see he was getting old now, his skin integrity was not as good as it once was, it was hard to be there my work hours at the time did not coincide, I went over as often as I could, but it was always cut short by an argument with my mother.

My dad was due to have an operation to remove the cancerous tumour from his bowel, it would be 5 weeks time from the phone call, it had not moved from the site at this point but I didn’t know what could happen, I tried to just push it to the side, but it was still there.

My dad had his operation, they removed his lymph nodes also, by this point i’d fully sabotaged my life around me, it killed me, and to top it off I couldn’t even visit my dad whilst he was in hospital because I’d caught Gastroenteritis from work.

We then we had to wait a further two weeks to find out if it had spread, these weeks were horrible, I was at this point alone, due to my own stupid selfish behaviours.
I kept telling myself it’d be okay, I kept neglecting talking about it, and to most extents I still do, if I did bring it up, I was always greeted by the same “I’m so sorry to hear that”, are you really? Or are you just saying that because you don’t know what to say, because no body really knows what to say, I became fed up of hearing it, fed up of sympathy, fed up of empathy, maybe sometimes I reject help, but nothing anyone could say could change it, so to me it felt meaningless.
I had other things I wanted to talk about more, things I could potentially change.
I’d broken by this point, and in this point after all these years, I’d decide I knew what I had to do for my life, and what I truly wanted, I could see all my faults, it’s weird how tragic events can change everything, but it wasn’t just this that led me to this point, that’s a different story though and i’ve already covered that.

Cut to two weeks later, I’m already signed off work by this point, life had become too much for me and I had to take back some element of control, I remember being in doctors surgery getting signed off though, there was big banner up, it stated how many people die of bowel cancer a year, I thought it was pretty fucking harsh, but how are they supposed to know my life.
My dad rings me up later that day he tells me they’d removed 14 lymph nodes, and 13 of them were fine, but the 14th was not, and they’d found traces of cancer in his blood, he goes on to tell me how he needs to have more chemotherapy but he has to wait till he’s recovered from his operation first, he says theres only a small amount and the chemotherapy should do the job, as he talks it all becomes blurry, my hearing is muffled, I’m not really sure if this is real.

I don’t really know much about cancer, but I worry because my dad is the only one I get along with in my family, I don’t want to lose him, but no body is immortal, I just kind of pictured it differently, I am hopefully he’ll be okay but I still worry for the future regardless because he’s getting old now, and that’s a fact I have to face.

As a family we tried to pull our messed up relationship together, it was alright at first it felt like maybe we had a chance again but it only got worse again, and eventually I would have to tell my mother I needed some space, it’s hard to do that, and most people probably wouldn’t understand but I gotta look out for myself too because I forgot to for so long, so I still go over to see my dad, help him with the puppy, we usually watch a movie but I leave before my mother gets home, I don’t want to argue anymore, I’m done with that, time is precious as i’ve learnt, and I don’t wanna waste it.

It’s horrible having something in your life that you cannot control, I’ve always had an element of control to most of my life, but some parts you cannot change.

Please don’t give me your sympathy, I don’t want it, I just needed to say this, to get it off my chest.

James

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