Past

The past is a funny one, often we find ourselves stuck in it, and as the cliche goes “Time Heals All” but does it really?

The past has been mentioned a lot lately for me, I’m not just talking about my own, no others too, it seems a lot of people I know are held back by something in their past.

This morning I got up and went to the gym with one of my friends, you’d take a look at us and think we’re meatheads or something, especially my mate his certainly is quite well built, but actually we don’t fit the stereotype.
We talk about our current issues, in between sets, to be honest we admitted that we only went to the gym to catch up, this our zone, blood, sweat and tears had been shared here many a time, but this time we both needed each others motivation to power through, feeding off each other like a symbiotic friendship.

Afterwards we make our way to a local pub to get some breakfast, we can chat a lot freely here, my friends tell me how he’d sabotaged something because he was stuck in the past and believed he would be a burden, he could see a future but neglected the present.
This is where I got the idea for this post from.
I remember his words clearly, ” I was too busy carrying around my past like a bag of bricks, it only weighs you down, and it was in the past, but I still carried it, I should have dropped the bricks long ago”
I understood my friend, I could empathise with him, I too had sabotaged something because I thought they’d be better off without dealing with me at my worst, why do we do this to ourselves, where is our self worth, I won’t deny my self worth has always been low, but i’ve tried lately to expose myself regardless of how it could be received, it’s hard, when you’ve been hurt, but if you don’t you end up hurting people too, and a vicious cycle begins.

I often think I’ve gotten over my past, but lately I’m not too sure, it’ll always be there it’s just now down to me how I get on with life, yeah it’s shaped me, for both better and worse in some instances, but for the most part the past is a big deal for people, often we get stuck, we move on yeah, but then we start focusing on the future again, but we find ourselves too far in the future, and we neglect the present, what really matters.

I went to visit my dad today also, he senses I’m not my best at the moment, it’s a funny because I actually feel the best I have done in a long time, but he’s right to an extent.
He takes me for a coffee, he tells I don’t talk to him much, it’s true, I never really know what to say, I don’t share much with my family anymore, not for a long time.

My dad looks at me, and says “One day James, i’m going to tell you something, something about my past, something that even your mother doesn’t know” His phone then rings, it’s his work after it ends, I asked him what he meant, he just told me, theres some stuff from his past, and it might help me understand him one day.
That was that, the conversation went no further, and I am curious, what secrets do you have? My dad has never really spoken of his past and I don’t think I really know him that well it would seem.
My Dad is 63, he tells me the story is from a time when he was younger than me, I’m 26, that’s quite a long time to still be thinking about it, I hope he’s come to terms with it, maybe one day i’ll know.

I walk home and I am pondering this, I walk past my exes place of work, I become slightly anxious, I keep my head up high and I look past it, I do wonder if she’s working, but I don’t want her to see me staring in, it could be misconstrued.

I think again the past really does affect people. Do we ever truly get over our past, we cannot erase memories, we all come back broken but a little bit stronger too, we build guards, and each time we slightly manipulate them, it becomes hard to know what is truly you and what has been shaped by something else. I think all we can do is accept it and come to terms with it.

We all need to remember to let our guard down again, we need to feel to be real, you cannot run from your past, it’s not going anywhere, but if you turn your direction you can focus on the present, on yourself and those around you.

I’d said my last apology lately, one to my past, it felt right to do so.
What’s in my present is far my important to me, than worrying about my past.

You chose your own path. You can chose to let your past rule your life and define your actions today, or you can chose to do something completely different.

Isn’t it time you dropped your sack of bricks and looked forward.

I do however believe you need to make mistakes in life, because you’ll never learn otherwise, which is pretty shit thought I guess, I wonder how many more i’ll make.

I’m no expert at any of this really and I let my past rule me for far too long, but sometimes you get an opportunity to see yourself from a different perspective and it can be eye opening, and then all of a sudden you’ll see everything for what it is.
I don’t expect to be able to help everyone, half the time I can barely help myself, but I wish I could show others how I am currently seeing the world, it’s not so blurry anymore.

So if you find yourself wondering why this fool is offering out advice, just remember I also don’t have it all figured out yet.

James

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s