Vulnerabilities

I wasn’t really planning on coming back here for a while, not until I had come to terms with what has been bothering me, but it seems it shall remain that way, I don’t know why.
I cannot neglect my writing because of it, even if it clouds my thoughts.

I’m going to talk about two things, briefly about my art projects, but mostly I want to talk about vulnerabilities.

Let’s start with the projects shall we, I’ve been working on a few things actually a lot hasn’t got off the ground yet but I’ve been diving into my creative side again, I initally started with a written word based project called “Word Art”, just short wordings/phrases that mean or mean nothing to me, like truisms I guess. I started thinking about other ways to how to present them, I worked with some long exposure light drawings, and will work on some graffiti next, I have other ideas but I will share the whole project when it’s finished, if you are interested however I have been sharing them each day on my Instagram.

The latest one was “Intoxication is false gratification” I came up with a theme for this, but I found it linked in with another project I had written down, I had an idea for “vulnerabilities”, I ended up combining them in a curated form.

I composed these photographs myself in my bathroom using a tripod and a bike light for extra lighting, shot on my Canon EOS 77D

My project for vulnerabilities is no where near started or finished, I’d jotted down that I wanted to photograph people being their most vulnerable, I was really sure where to start, because I don’t know everyone’s vulnerabilities, I need to enquire and ask people first, but I knew some of mine.
So I took the opportunity to expose myself and share some.
The above series are based around my past struggles with mental health and substance misuse, it was constant battle for me, and I drowned all my sorrows into the bottle. All my gratification I got out of substance misuse was temporary and false, it was no substitute for life itself.
I quit nearly 5 years ago yet I live in constant fear that, if I slipped just one would tip me over the edge again.

I think we’re all quite vulnerable in different ways, often we hide it or suppress it, I know too well about suppressing it, I’ve learnt that the longer the suppress it the harder it is to deal with it all when you finally break again, and you will break believe me, you cannot suppress everything.

I’d say i’m very vulnerable actually, I have always felt a lot, or nothing at all, but when I feel it’s powerful and I often become overwhelmed, I’m very susceptible to being hurt, but it’s also empowering, it’s human and it’s okay I welcome it now I guess.

I think a lot of people hide their vulnerabilities, but they shouldn’t because often they are what define us, you can not begin to express yourself fully if you aren’t willing to accept yourself, come to terms with it tell people this is what makes you vulnerable, if you tell the right people they won’t use it against you.
Our vulnerabilities make us human, we are a walking flesh bag full of emotions, it’s okay to feel.

Everyone has a weakness, we are not perfect beings, if look back to old mythologies, every god had a weakness too and as do we.

Another image from my “Word Art” project, I think Love is both beautiful and dangerous, you become vulnerable, the person who you share it with, protects you but also they have the ability to destroy you, we enter knowing this. I feel much toward it, but in order to do it correct you both need to completely expose yourself and be vulnerable, hiding your true self will end in the inevitable destruction of yourself.

It’s hard because at the beginning you’re not exactly going to show all of yourself because it might be a bit full on but as time goes on and you become more and more in love it becomes hard to expose yourself, out of fear of rejection, you feel like they fell in love with someone but there are still other parts of you, you will worry if they won’t like them but to love is weird, when you’re in love it’s almost unconditional, you’d do anything for them and if they are parts you don’t like it’s okay, you just want to be there regardless.
Isn’t it weird how as we become more engrossed in each other we often became more cautious about sharing ourselves.

What makes you vulnerable?

James

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