I’m Okay, But I am Not, But That’s Okay

I’ve had a lot of people contact or speak to me lately, most of them asking if i’m okay, most also telling it is the lowest they’ve seen me, and I often find myself giving the same answer. I am not, but also I’m best I’ve been in a long time, now hear me out, you are probably questioning how can be both your worst and your best.

Well if you’ve been following my blog or know me personally you’ll know the for the last 4 or more years, I’ve been suppressing my emotions, and eventually I finally broke, it took a lot to get there and I lost a lot, but once the box had been opened, I couldn’t close it, I had no choice but to become one with my emotions, and be honest with myself. I was horrible at first, it still is, I have difficulty regulating properly, maybe it’s my ADHD, or my suspected autism, or maybe it’s a undiagnosed personality “disorder”, either way dealing with my emotions was often hard and it was even harder now as I hadn’t done it for so long, all my old “coping mechanisms” were gone.
So it was just me and my mind, but I felt alive again, I could feel and I’d forgotten how it felt. It was pleasant, I remember the first time I cried again, I was smiling after, it’s weird, I was distraught but I felt human for the first time in fucking ages.

So yeah, I’m good, but i’m not, but it’s okay, I don’t need a magic cure, i’ll come to terms with it all in my own time and it’ll be a learning experience. I’m not going to change myself, I’m going to improve myself, there is a difference, I will remain the same.
I have fully embraced my sadness, I am still struggling to embrace my happiness, but I feel it, there has been moments in the last month that I have felt genuinely happy and not ashamed to show it, but there’s been moments where I’ve been smiling and I’ve gotten annoyed at myself for smiling so I’ve still got work to do. I’m not sure why I often get annoyed at being happy.
I smiled the other day actually, a complete stranger on the internet personally messaged me to compliment my poetry, I was over the moon, I’m not really sure on my poetry, but I was happy that at least one person enjoyed it, I will continue to make more, thank you!

Other than the fact I feel human again, another good thing has come from this, my creative side is back, I’m doing photography, art and painting, all stuff I’d not done in well longer than I can remember, I couldn’t do it if I felt nothing like before.
I won’t lie my art also serves as a distraction but it is a healthy productive distraction.

So to all the people worrying about it me, I assure you i’ll be okay. I do definitely need a bit of support but i’ll be okay, in fact i’ll be better.
You have no idea how much all the support means, and it certainly says a lot for the those that haven’t been there…

I promise you, I will be okay.
Don’t worry, or try not to.

James

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