A Future, Maybe

I’m going to try to write an actual post again today, it’s been a while and the two posts I did make in the last month I deleted, I wasn’t really sure if I liked how they represented me, I was consumed by my own rage and some feelings I would like better left unknown.

I’m struggling to find words lately, life has been tough. I had few people who helped me through it and in the end they all told me the same thing, but I wasn’t willing to take their advice because I didn’t want to, I wasn’t ready and I had to get myself to that point myself. Eventually I bit the bullet and did something about it, it felt horrible but I need to do it. To be honest I nearly lost friends over this. They really care about me, I neglected that, I often forget that people care about me, because I am always full of self doubt, and I was feeling it especially so lately, and I let that reflect upon my friendships.

I had no therapist at the time because she was on annual leave, but I restarted therapy again today, she suggests we should postpone sessions until I am willing to do something about my situation, I tell her i’d rather not and I am willing to do what I can for now until I can do something about it.
We talk about what homework i’d actually be willing to take part in as I didn’t take part in the mood diary she assigned me last time, I told her there was no point because it was always the same, she suggests I should learn to meditate to calm my mind, it’s so fast at the moment, I agree, and will attempt to learn, I have had a few moments of tranquility lately, and it seems if I hold an object I am able to relax more, I’m not sure why.

I had few breakdowns recently, one a few months back and another more recently, I didn’t think I could break twice but apparently I was wrong, I am not ashamed of them though because they’ve taught me a lot.
I was listening to a small podcast this morning from The School of Life called “Overcoming the Need to be Exceptional”, and there was a section that really leaped out to me and I couldn’t put it better if I tried.

“A breakdown is not merely a random piece of madness or malfunction, it can be a very real – albeit inarticulate and inconvenient – bid for health. It is an attempt by one part of our minds to force the other into a process of growth, self-understanding and self-development which it has hitherto been too cowed to undertake. If we can put it paradoxically, it is an attempt to jumpstart a process of getting well, properly well, through a stage of falling very ill. “

Sometimes you need to break, and I did.

But lets go on now to the future and how it’s made me think.

For a long time, since last December I completely cancelled all my plans of a future, I gave it up for someone to be honest because I wanted it to be with them, but also because I didn’t want to pursue that career anymore, I tried to pretend I was going to join the circus at least then I’d have been in London, but who was I kidding really, I was lost, without a sense of purpose. Then it all ended, and I was stuck, I had no idea what I wanted to do, at least before I had someone to follow and I could do what I needed one the sidelines, but I need to do something before it’s too late for me.

I’ve been diving into my photography and my poetry and art projects lately, I’ve decided to put in maximum effort, to get somewhere with it.
I had been putting a lot of effort into other areas of my life lately and it’s not been rewarding me, so I’m going redirect it into my other passions…

I spent so much of my youth wanting to be a photographer, but I didn’t have the drive or resources at the time, now I have the drive.
I’m going to make something of myself, one way or another, there is no failure, because you can only learn from your mistakes.

I think for me now my future doesn’t lie here in Southampton anymore, and it hasn’t for a while now, I was gonna move a long time ago but then I met some someone and it all changed.
I think I need to move, I need to save and move, I don’t where, maybe London or Brighton, maybe even New York, who knows, somewhere booming with art and culture, it won’t been soon, but probably sometime after December i’ll start planning and looking and then move later in the year, likely around to accumulate enough money but maybe sooner.

The truth is I don’t know where my future will take me, there is a lot of uncertainty in my life at the moment, but I’m going to put my effort in to make sure I am happy.

James

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