Lost but Wandering

I’m a bit lost, heck, I’m not entirely sure what’s going on, or what i’m doing. Now if you give me a moment, i’ll fill you in on what’s being going on and what hasn’t.

On top of that I am lonely, but not a loneliness I can explain, I don’t think there is anything or anyone that can consolidate it, as it exists within me, even with people around me.
Though currently I don’t have many people, and I suppose those who read this might be offended to read this, but I’ve reached out to countless people lately and heard next to nothing back, it’s been really hard to lift my head from my pillow every morning, three of my closest friends have completely stopped talking to me. I at least know the reason why one had but the other two I have no idea, one minute we are hanging out the next day, nothing and so it’s remained that way for months now, and I’m such pessimist as of late new people don’t stick around long either.
I think people have grown tired of me now, and maybe me them too, I’ve been like this for a while now, and despite all the advice given to me, I for most part refused to take, because I was scared, but also because I wasn’t ready you can’t force someone to do something if they aren’t ready, which arguable is frustrating to watch from the other side but sometimes you gotta let people on their path. We all get there one way or another, no matter the path we take.

I’ve learnt so much lately, and i’d tell you it’s made me stronger, but it made weaker, but knowledge is power. Life has dealt me a bad hand this year, everything has all happened at one on top of another, and I don’t know why, it seems every time I get semi back on my feet something knocks me back down again, take the other day for example, I had the pleasure of being offered a pretty good business deal and an opportunity to get noticed in my local city, then I get home and find my brand new laptop, less than 2 weeks old, is broken, it won’t do shit, and my recent data is not backed up, i’d forked out £1500 for it, something I couldn’t really afford, but was left with no choice after my mac died this year after 10 years and my back up spare also died.

I had all my hopes of fixing things with my ex, and I really thought it was going to happen, we’d had some lovely times together recently, but turns out it’s just not there anymore, I won’t lie I was shattered, I’d put almost everything into this, all my hopes and my plans for the future were integrated into this, I did everything for her because I genuinely wanted to and I felt they deserved it, it wasn’t in a ploy to get them back but sure I hoped it would help. We’ll remain friends, usually i’d walk away, but I can’t, you don’t find someone like them everyday so parting with them from my life wasn’t a choice I would allow myself to make. Sure it might be weird sometimes but I have to respect their choice, or i’ll lose them forever.
If you read this, don’t feel guilty because it’s no ones fault.

I shall not go chasing anything else like I used to, I kept myself free all these months and I intend on doing so for the foreseeable future, i’m going to spend sometime with myself for a while now.

I’m lost I don’t what I direction I’m going anymore, I’d been lost for a while, from December onwards I cancelled my plans of becoming a nurse to purse a future with my ex, we were still together then of course, and then well everything changed after my dad got diagnosed with cancer, back in March/April, I don’t remember the exact day every single day since then has been a blur, a constant reminder that you have no control of anything in life, and those of you who know me or follow will know that was the time I sabotaged everything, tried to run away and worst of all, probably the biggest mistake i’ll have ever made in my life, was walking away from my partner. There was a monster inside me that was brewing, it had accumulated of years and years of bottling everything in, and well eventually I broke, but enough about that, we’ve sided tracked. I AM LOST.
I don’t know what I really want to do, my heart is not really in my job anymore but it’s hard to look after people when you need help yourself… I’ve been doing a lot of my photography lately, a tonne actually, something I had started doing more off around March also but after the split I dove right into my creativity doing photography, paintings drawings and poetry, I was really passionate about but I was concerned, was I doing it all just to get her attention? To this day I am not sure, because I really wanted her to see, her opinion matters to me, but also I really did want to do all my work for myself, before I lost my way to drugs many years ago, my biggest dream was to be a photographer, I didn’t have the drive though, I have the drive now!

I guess I’m at a point in my life where I don’t feel like I belong, I keep just wanting to not wake up so I don’t have to feel that way, and I’m not gonna kill myself don’t worry, I fucking I don’t have the effort in my to do that, is what I tell people, maybe I’m too cowardice, or maybe just maybe I believe there is hope, I’ve seen a different light since my last attempt many years ago, something keeps me here, and I think is me, it’s not family, it’s not my friends, it’s not my job, it’s me, I keep myself here, because inside this currently pessimistic human, lives an optimist, shunned away. That’s not to say I haven’t given up, I keep giving up but I keep getting back up because there is nothing to do there down there, but please don’t mistake that for a change of mood.

As I was saying, I keep sidetracking but if you know me you’ll know I do this person too… there I did it again! I am at a point where I feel like I don’t belong, my friends who I do have, I have grown so far apart from, I am such a different person to the person who they met initially and a lot of them haven’t changed as drastically, so I know find I lack a lot in common with them and often conversation is hard, I met up with my oldest friend recently and he’s a doctor and he’s just gotten engaged and we’ve known each other since infants school, we pretty much agreed that we’re still friends because we’ve known each other so long, been there through all the times and if we were to meet each other randomly maybe we wouldn’t be friends, I guess that’s okay, people do change, but what I haven’t done is find new people in my life who are more like minded, not a replacement but something to belong to, but I’m difficult to get along with apparently, or maybe I refuse to let people in these days, there’s a lot to me, i’d say i’m complicated but you can’t open with that. That and I’m not even doing any of my hobbies anymore, I make it to the gym twice a week on a routine that I’ve written out but I go because I should, not really because I want to anymore, I haven’t even touched a video game since May, almost every second of my day is spent creatively, writing poetry, drawing or doing photography, that being said I have lots of poems I need to upload to here, I mostly on share on Instagram. So yeah, that’s where I am at.

I even recently wrote a list of reasons to stay in Southampton and reasons to leave, the reasons to leave where obviously more to leave and the main reason to stay, well that’s gone now, I guess, I found myself struggling to find reasons to stay. I remember before I met my ex, my plan was to move to Bournemouth, study to become a nurse and then live in Australia, I never her these but I sacked it off almost the instant I met her, and I changed my plans to learn to be a nurse here, but that’s not happening now, I’ve wanted to move for so long now, but it’s hard because if I’m lonely here, i’ll even more lonely elsewhere where I know someone.

You can see from my list, i’m quite torn. I need to go but I’ve just been offered a decent opportunity recently, though my main reason to stay has gone, I have something I want to work with for now whilst I save it could work out really well and then well we’ll see, but for now I’m afraid i’m still gonna go, I have to, I have to find myself, whether I move city or go travelling, who knows but this city is dead to me, I think i’ll likely end up in London, though it’s ideal and the prospect of owning a real house all those dreams will go out the window but what’s the point of owning a house if you have no one to share it with.

So that is that, I am going, one way or another.

I’ve needed my own space and time lately, I keep wanting to come off social media, but I can’t I’m putting out work almost every day on Instagram, messaging people trying to make connections, but I hate it, I often feel like I’m not getting the results that I feel I deserve, which makes you feel like why bother, but also it makes you try harder, I am forever growing and i’ll make one day, I fucking will! I just wish I could get noticed without having to use the toxicity that is social media.
Just right now I am lost, and I’m figuring out things.
I don’t know but I think we are all lost really, pretending we know what we are doing but really we have no idea because life has a mind of it own, you have no control.

I’m not sure the direction to take this website, I’m thinking of working with some web developers to turn it into more of a portfolio for photography and art, with poetry, oh that reminds me I’m currently writing a poetry book, but yeah I think all my post will be archived, they are if anything only for me, but I suppose some people do find some solace in them.

On an end note, I have a top secret project I have started, but I can’t talk about it.

Thank you for reading

Remember, You are the catalyst for revolution.

James

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